The Culture of Overachieving Breakfast Routines Is Coming Under Fire
Mindfulness and self-care has reached an All Time High in recent months, with seemingly every food, lifestyle, and wellness publication hosting celebrity interviews and touting the benefits of a well-oiled (and often impossibly aspirational) morning routine.
Models and famous actresses espouse the benefits of hot lemon water, hot yoga, and leisurely hours of morning meditation while New Age health experts endorse gluten-free, vegan breakfasts and everything from bone broths to herbal elixirs designed to energize and revitalize a day that hasn’t even yet begun.
Instagram, meanwhile, makes it seem like every morning is nothing but an adventure in making meticulously designed rainbow plant food breakfasts as if time weren’t of the essence and fresh ingredients magically appear in tiny apartment refrigerators, pre-washed.
Recently, however, there’s been a backlash against prohibitively structured morning routines, in much the same way that there’s been a backlash against body shaming— What, actually, is realistic here? Why does everyone think their morning routine has to adhere to an impossible ideal that only the wealthy (and seemingly unemployed?) have time to attain?
Two recent articles shed light on the phenomena with adroit hilarity: one is a new satirical essay by Holly Theisen-Jones that was recently published in McSweeney’s; the other is a wonderful, shade-throwing op-ed from Lenny Letter that was written by Rachel Seville Tashjian. Both essays, reprinted below, address what Seville Tashjian aptly calls “the tyranny of the celebrity morning routine”.
Grab your hot lemon water and read on for some extended laughs, below:
MY FULLY OPTIMIZED LIFE ALLOWS ME AMPLE TIME TO OPTIMIZE YOURS
Jane Austen Slept ‘Til Eight
by Rachel Seville Tashjian
(Read the entire article now on Lenny Letter, or check out the excerpt, below.)
“How do I begin my day? I awake at 3:45 a.m. I take a piping-hot shower, followed by a plunge in an extremely cold bath in a tub lined with gold tiles from El Dorado.
“I throw out everything that doesn’t bring me happiness, such as money; I read a single email; I tweet something inspiring that usually becomes a law. And then it’s time for my 8 a.m. meeting.”
I read an entire book, then an entire newspaper — and then I eat them both. I run ten miles. I run eight more. I look in the mirror and scream, “I AM ONE DEMANDING CUSTOMER AND LIFE IS BEING SERVED TO ME ON A PLATTER, MEDIUM RARE!” I throw out everything that doesn’t bring me happiness, such as money; I read a single email; I tweet something inspiring that usually becomes a law. And then it’s time for my 8 a.m. meeting.
How many times have we heard a version of that hellish morning routine from someone crowned by the Internet as one of the “world’s most successful people”? It’s enough to make you want to throw a dream journal into a fire and meditate to Slayer!”
Read the rest of Seville Tashjian’s essay here.
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